Parents are people too!!

We have witnessed a kind of revolution lately. A silent, but highly successful revolution, in which little people have taken over the world from grownups. Suddenly, A whole generation of young parents is living under the commands , wishes and whims of three foot tall kings and queens. These Kings and Queens are not only responsible for deciding what to buy and where to go, but also a huge portion of how their parents lead their lives.It is like a epidemic. Almost all ambitious career women I knew have hung up their boots to rear their young ones. They probably expected an easy life ahead, full of sweet stories and TV soaps when they had put in their papers. Instead, they are on their tiptoes, day long, 24/7 , juggling pizza and pasta, karate class and swimming lessons, indoor and outdoor games. They are required to be the world’s best cook, coach, storyteller and driver. And when Papa comes home, the duty changes. A new servant arrives to pamper and serve the little rulers. The parents, willingly, relinquish the command of the household to the apple of their eyes. They give up on their grown-up pleasures, and hobbies, and lead life with a singular aim of creating an IIT/IIM/AIIMS graduate of their child. So, you’ll find plenty of parents using all available techniques, teaching nursery rhymes to 18 month olds and reading to three year olds! The situation in a lot of homes is frankly, out of control!!!I am not suggesting that we stop caring for our kids. Neither is it wrong to be ambitious about them. In fact , it is quite natural for parents to dream big for their children. Parents in all ages and eras have been doing so. But I would definitely say that weaving ones life totally around the kids , and to loose the independence in the process we so craved for as a teenager, is going a bit too far. Parents need to stop being a doormat, and look at their needs as genuinely important too. Not only will it teach kids to respect their parent’s time and efforts, it will also prevent parental ‘burn-out’ resulting from giving to much of oneself to the process of parenting. There is another reason for me to advocate this. I see, all around me, young, talented moms, dedicating their whole time to their kids. The only point of conversation with them is their kids. They can go on and on about little Richa’s paintings and Mehul’s theatrics, but try to hold their attention for more than one minute on any other general topic!! Either Richa would be eating sand, or Mehul’s nose would start running. Mamma darling has to run with the Hankey, so bye friend. Nice talking to you. These mothers entirely lose out on adult company, for they are too busy being a hankey, pillow, spoon etc. to be an interesting adult!! They lose touch with their old friends, and never get around to make new ones. Unfortunately for them, kids don’t need mammas for ever. Sooner or later , they grow up old enough to fetch their own real hankey, pillow and spoon. Mamma is no longer needed in the playground, and is only tolerated in PTA meetings. When such a time arrives, the doting , all-sacrificing mother has neither a hobby nor a friend to fall back upon. It is great to have a baby. It is even more wonderful to watch her grow, and to be a party in her growth. No achievement can compare to the feeling a parent gets to see the child play a tune perfectly on the keyboard !! But we should be alert that this does not start defining our lives totally. If your kid goes to a class, join a class nearby yourself. You’ll learn something new, and your child would have a role model in you. Don’t get so engrossed in watching your kids grow, that you stop growing yourself. (Except the occasional gray hair, of course). Let them have some time by themselves while you watch your favorite serial. It doesn’t have to be cartoon all the time. Do not postpone your facial till eternity. Or calling friends over for a chat. Your child will get around to understand that Mom has life beyond him too. I agree, that these are precious years for your preschooler. But these are not exactly junk years for you either. As you help and support and nourish your young one, cherish and grow yourself too. Do not feel guilty in taking some personal time away from the kids. It will do you good, and will eventually help the whole family. Also worth considering is the fact, that children learn best when they are not being taught. They assimilate, understand and remember information best when it arrives to them from natural sources, and when they ask for it. They learn best when unhurried. So why bother yourself making your kid mug the full Encyclopedia Britannica, when you can use that time to get a full body massage once a week for the whole lifetime!! (And your child would still learn a lot from the Encyclopedia, at his on pace, at his own time) .

Outdoors is a great teacher.

When my son’s summer holidays started, I assumed it was the start of my 32/7 workday. I geared myself up for the constant clatter of “Mom, I’m bored” , “Mom , look at my bubble” or “Mom, Please give me a candy”. Top it with “Mom, Why can’t I see TV now, please please puh-lease!” In a nutshell I geared myself up for a constant Mom-call, resulting from the always-inside-boredom. And then suddenly I realized, “I don’t have to keep him inside always!” I also realized that outdoors teaches him more than all my educational CDs put together can!
The problem with most families is that there are no safe outdoors anymore where a child could be left alone. An outdoor time for the kid, invariably translates into outdoor time for one of the parent too. And time, as we learn after growing up, is indeed precious. Not, however, more precious than our little ones. A five year old can reasonably venture out himself for some time in a traffic-less, crime-free area if he has had been given requisite training. If that is not possible, however, you can use the imposed outdoor time for yourself : walk in the park while he plays in the playground, read a magazine while he climbs the tree over your bench, paint your nails while he catches the butterflies. The point is, you can find the time if you believe it is important enough for your child.
Is it important enough? Can catching butterflies be at par with learning numbers? Can climbing trees be as helpful as learning phonics? My answer is NO. It is not equal, but in fact much more important than the academics. What better way to instill the qualities of observation and concentration than watching insects and butterflies? Outdoors provide unlimited opportunities for the alert mind to capture. An alert parent can use these opportunities aplenty. Even if the child is playing alone, the time that seems to us as ‘wasted’ is actually being used by her active little mind in thousands of ways. While indoor teaching is quite uni-dimensional, life outside requires each and every sense to be used. Even with the advent of multimedia in schools and homes, it essentially remains an exercise of eyes, ears and an often dormant mind. A park, in contrast, exercises the sense of touch and smell, sight and sound, mind and soul.
Another favorite outdoor activity for kids his age remains sand play. Do invest in a good set of beach toys. The essentials include a big bucket to hold sand, different size and shapes of moulds, sieve to sift the sand, a spatula and a fork. While any outdoor activity presents innumerable opportunities to teach, let me pick sand play as an example of how an alert and involved parent can use sand play to help his child physically, cognitively and socially.
Lets a child manipulate sand in multiple ways – to collect, sift , wet, pack, throw, drop and mold.
Guides a child to make mountains, tunnels, flyovers etc. Encourages creativity.
Explains the properties of sand. The difference between dry and wet sand, their feel and their weight.
Allows other kids to share their toys, ensures peaceful group play.
Explains the child what he is doing using a variety of words, increasing the child's vocabulary and expressiveness.
On days that are excessive rainy or cold, or when you are a bit too busy, an indoor sand box comes handy. Make sure the sand used is hygienic, dry and well-covered when not in use.
Once in a while, you might want to take your child to a special trip. Take her fishing, camping, mountain climbing or river-rafting. Besides education, You will give her an experience that will have much more impact than a hundred trips to mall. I am not even mentioning the effect it would have on the bond that you share with her. I myself have a very poor memory , and hardly remember my early days. However, among the very few images that I do remember, is when my father used to take me and my brother swimming in the river Narmada on his Bajaj scooter. Though I was only 5 years old then, I remember the whole experience as if it happened yesterday. I remember the sight of papa swimming against the river and feeling secure in his arms, I remember the odd treats he got us from the vendors sitting on the ghaats, and I remember the half an hour ride on the scooter. It is my only vivid and clear memory from my early years, and I can’t thank my dad enough for taking the pains to give it to me.
Could a little discomfort and some extra effort stop me from giving my children equally exciting memories?

A for Apples, T for Tantrums.

Each and Every Parent goes through a period of tantrum handling. (In fact , my 20 month old daughter is lying on ground right besides my chair right now, throwing a tantrum, demanding that I hand the computer over to her immediately). Each and every child throws a tantrum once in a while. It’s a natural way of communicating extreme feelings for kids, who have not developed adequate speech skills yet! However natural it might be, it still manages to throw parents out of gear, and the feelings range from desperation to shamefulness and anger. It’s takes a big heart and some knowledge of tantrums to handle the situation correctly.

As any parent would vouch for, children throw tantrum when you most want them to be well behaved. In a shop grocery shopping, in a fine dining restaurant or when you have an important phone call to attend to. They instinctively seem to realize that mom/dad is not completely available to me at this point of time, and immediately demands that attention!! While shopping, kids often act up asking for one, or one hundred different candies or toys or so on. In fact, if observed carefully, we find that tantrums come mostly when the child is tired, exhausted , hungry , sleepy, bored, or even over-stimulated. It is just that these little adults are trying to exercise their power of choice, which they don’t have. It is a frustrating , confusing world for them, a world where mom and dad impose their will on him all the time. He wants to be an unique individual in his own right, and the process is more difficult for him than it is for you. Be sympathetic. Be sympathetic. Easier said than done, of course. However there are a few dos and don’ts that can help you sail through ‘quietly’ through this turbulent period :
Precaution is better than cure . Try stopping a tantrum before it starts. Keep in mind the limits of your child while planning a day out. Keep in mind that he might be tired after a movie, and going grocery shopping then is like sending an invitation to the tantrums. In a shop, if their demand is reasonable and not outrageous, maybe it can be accepted.
When the tantrums do start, as they invariably will at times, remember that it is not a time to loose your cool. Be calm. Let the child go through it safely. If you, an adult, are not able to control your emotions, can you expect more from your kid ?
Do not worry about onlookers. Those who have kids would understand, Those who don’t, will understand later when they do have one. Remember, kids with a tantrum are not bad, they are just ‘over-worked’. They deserve firm love, not another scolding.
Do not give in to their demand. Your response would determine future frequency of the tantrums. Do not make tantrums a rewarding experience for them. The difference between a boy who keeps asking for gratifications to a mall (I want this, and that , and thaaaaat) and a boy who calmly goes through it, is whether their parents gave in to their tantrums when the boys were 2 years old, or not)
Voice what the child is going through, and what he wants. “Oh!! You’re so upset, because you want that Barbie, aren’t you??” It helps them in two ways: One, they know that the parents understands their demand and feelings, and secondly, they learn to put feelings in words for the next time.
Give moderate amount of choice. So don’t say: “What do you want for dinner?” (for your own sake!) but “ Do you want parantha or rice today?”
Kids eventually grow out of tantrums, as they develop better strategies to get stuff out of their parents. (Yeah! That’s true, it never stops!!) So just take it as another developmental milestone and do not attach extra importance to it.

Sharing and Young children

I met an otherwise intelligent lady yesterday, who was worried sick over her 26 month old son’s ‘selfish’ behavior. She told me that her son, Arjun, is not ready to share any of his toys with his friends. She wondered if Arjun would grow up into a selfish, self-centered person. I wondered if this mother really remembers her sons age! 26 months old, that’s all. This toddler wasn’t even aware of toys 20 months back, wasn’t aware of the concept of ownership 10 months back, and today he is expected to share!! How unfair indeed.
Many parents worry about their kids not sharing toys etc. with their friends. How much of this worry is justified, and that too, when? Can we teach our children to become sharing people? How?
It is important to recognize that sharing is not a natural process. Not just kids, but even adults find it difficult to share stuff close to their heart. Sharing is an acquired habit, acquired in order to achieve either parents’ approval or playmates company or their toys and so on. In essence, some sort of reward expectation is essentially inherent in sharing. Sharing is very difficult for kids less than 3 years of age, and really should not be expected of them. When they guard their stuff, it’s quite natural, and ought to be treated as another developmental milestone.
However, things do get different with older children. They need to be taught the concept of sharing, AND the happiness that it brings. Sometimes it is difficult for children to understand what exactly we mean by sharing. 4 year old Neha might think, “Will Ratnesh return my truck after playing? Afterall, when I shared a cookie, he ate it, and it’s not going to come back!” When we speak of sharing in a playground or school environment, then the meaning changes to ‘taking turns’ as while the playground swing belongs to no one child, the truck does belong to Neha. The difficulties associated with sharing are aplenty. A child might not like sharing his own toys with friends , but is okay at taking turns on the slide. Another child may be a bully, not realizing other’s ownership and taking toys by force. Another extreme might be a child so afraid by such a bully, that he is not able to resist the bully, but is upset by the loss of his toy. One more typical case is the fight between siblings, which generally start with a newly mobile baby. Luckily, help is at hand for all these cases. Here are some easy, practical suggestions, that would help your child and you cope up with the trouble of sharing for ever :
Special toys are different. They have a special place which the prying little sister can’t reach, or expected guests can’t find. Having faith that his favorite toys are safe will make a child more generous towards the rest of the toys.
Lay down rules. Be short and specific. Don’t leave room for exceptions as they only confuse the kid. For example, tell your bully boy that he CAN NOT take someone else’s toy without their permission. Not even when the owner kid is not playing with them. Permission is a must, always. No is a no-no. Do not allow a simple no to a sharing request. If a child asks for a toy, your kid can not simply say no. He doesn’t have to say yes either. But any negative response must be explained further. Like, “ I’m playing with blocks right now. I’ll give them after 10 mins.” Or “Let me finish my coloring now. You play with the flute till then.”. In addition to avoiding hurt feelings, you’ll also have a good conversationalist in no time.
Timer Tool: If you can, use a timer for taking turns. A loud one, if possible. You’ll make turn taking fun!
Be his role model. Share your special pen with him sometimes (and let him know that you are sharing). You can also play “Sharing games” if your child is extra-stubborn. Just simple give-and-take games to demonstrate that things do return even if someone else takes them for some time.
Teach your kid negotiation skills. If she really wants her friend’s Barbie, maybe she should offer an attractive substitute. If she hates parting with her viewmaster, maybe offering her binoculars would help, and so on. Negotiation skills might turn out to be her most important lesson in life.
Listen as long as you can to an angry child. It will give you valuable insight on how his mind works, and what are the tensions he is carrying within himself. A child, while wailing over a toy, might give you important clues to his personality. For example, he might say, “Why should Manas take my beyblade? He does not shares his cycle with me ever!!” Isn’t that fair? It tells you that your kid is not against sharing, but is against Manas. So the root problem is different, and so must be the treatment.
Consider play his work. Respect his play. If you take his toy train to placate his wailing sister, when the station was just about to come, then you are being unfair. Kids get totally engrossed in their play, and it remains a ‘play’ no more. Such thoughtless interventions can really, and rightly, upset a tender mind.
Have plenty when you can. Miniature vehicles, crayons, play-dough, chalks are examples of things you can never have enough of. A few extra bucks spent on them would go a long way to give you some peace from the sharing war!
All these techniques work well. But the most important thing to remember is, do not force sharing. Forcing ruins the concept that sharing can ultimately lead to a joyful relationship with other people. May be she’s not in a mood today. Tomorrow is, after all, another day.

Stay at Home Mom ?

This is the dilemma of the new-age woman. It symbolizes the struggle of the values and aspirations. It’s a dilemma that every mother faces, no matter how ambitious or content she might be. This is, also probably, the least discussed aspect of the new woman. To be or not to be a stay-at-home mother is a difficult question to answer for most woman.

The answer is as personal and specific, as general the question is!! More and more highly qualified woman, however, are opting out of the rat race in favor of staying at home. What lures these woman to give up years of hard work at school, college and work, high speed thrill of cut-throat competition and promotions and comfort and luxuries of an additional income ? And more importantly, once they do take the plunge, how do they find the ride?

The perks are aplenty. Watching the kids grow, step-by-step, word-by-word is a pleasure that nothing else in the world can compare. To be there when they are sick, when they take the first step, when they return from school bursting with excitement about 4 stars earned at the football game, or crying at the deep cut on knee , gives a satisfaction that no official presentation can match up to. While kids may or may not benefit more from an available parent, it is for sure that the parent does get a lot from being around.

Moving beyond kids and parenting, the time at home also gives an opportunity to you to hone your skills, to pursue your hobbies, to excel in your dreams, and to build a success uniquely yours. If you are planning to, or have already given up ‘work’ to be at home, consider it as the start of the best period of your life. For, a lot of optimism is indeed needed on a daily basis for the mundane routine ‘work’ at home.

But if you are considering this decision as a ‘sacrifice’ to your family , you are headed for an emotional roller-coaster! The stumbling blocks are aplenty. One can find a lot of woman, who gave up their flourishing careers at the fist meeting with motherhood, and now live frustrated day in and day out. This also shows at their parenting skills, for which they ironically left their jobs in the first place. Feeling of loss of identity, coming to terms with a single income and additional expense, increasing dependence on the husband are a few others.

If you feel you are stuck in a rut, I urge you to go out and explore the possibilities, The world is an open place. If you are an unhappy human being , there is no way you can raise happy children. Imagine the possibilities; and go after them! Part-Time or work-at-home options can be promising for woman who wants the best of both worlds. In a nutshell, If you have decided to be a stay-at-home mom to enjoy your kids and your life, and to better the quality of life of those around you, enjoy your decision. Enjoy it every single day. Make the most of the life. Generations of people have come and gone, busy figuring out the meaning of life, their purpose of the journey, busy being the most rich, famous, whatever. Eventually, the rat race leads you nowhere. The life leads you nowhere. Because, it is you, who lead the life. If you have the liberty of being free from the financial burden of providing for your family, then do explore the other options. For the solitary purpose of getting and giving happiness. And if this happiness comes to you by knowing that you don’t have to close the door on a wailing child everyday to reach work on time, then what’s wrong with it ?

The bottom line is: do it for yourself, not for your children. Kids grow up well, if whatever time parents give them is full of affection and attention.